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Our political correspondent has this short report on the latest posturings and maneuverings of the major political parties which are now in full gear trying to wow the electorate and persuade all voters of the need to support their own parties.

One tactic being employed by the Pinks is to give to each voter who will shake the hand of their local candidate, a lollipop. And should that voter be willing to be photographed with the candidate they also receive a free bar of chocolate (whilst stocks last). However, the value of this form of bribery - actually about 47cents, wholesale price - is of doubtful value as indicated by a straw poll carried out in the local township of 5 and 6 year olds, which showed that they would not be influenced by anything less than five lollipops plus a large packet of crisps plus bubble gum and a free ringtone. The same straw poll indicate a sizeable majority in bringing back Mickey Mouse to lead the new goverment. Some cynics questioned why he should have another term.

Meanwhile on the local front we can report brisk canvasing by most of the candidates, in some case one may even say aggressive canvassing is taking place. In one of the smaller towns in Fredlin a number of householders who are out at work all day, have reported that on returning home in the evening they have found that front doors have been forced open and electioneering pamphlets nailed to their kitchen doors. While it would be irresponsible to name names without any substantiating evidence, we can say that the candidate for the Listening Party shoould have a serious talk to his campaign manager.

Elsewhere, supporters for the Driving Party have got motorists attention by stretching huge banners across the road at the end of the Western Outlet just 12.6 centimetres above the road, thus causing drivers to come to a dead stop. An enterprising farmer has opened a "toll road" around this obstacle, which goes through his farmyard. As it would be illegal to raise a toll, drivers are 'invited' to buy eggs by the farmers wife as they drive by. Those who decline find the sign just behind the farmers giggling twin boys, Hubert and Christobin (aka Hugh and Cry), directing them to the shortcut through the field with four Friesian bulls, where they will find that the way out on the far side is by way of a stile.

The Letshava Party candidate when spotted enjoying a cup of strong coffee at the Citrous Star Cafe and asked what his election message was, offered "bugger off mate, I'm goin' back to me own swag, that cell's too 'ard for a man with a hangover and I can't think wiv' outa bevy in me 'and." [Ed. note - this story was filed from the 1st Aid Centre]

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Rumours of this planned new Navy base have been circulating for nearly ten years since Vice Admiral Chugwin advised the Ministry that the, then current, facility in Darwin Bay was both insufficient for the modern Navy requirements, and was constantly being compromised by holiday makers in small craft. Security had also become an issue with so many naturalised foreigners and overseas visitors staying in close proximity to the base. Vice Admiral Chugwin, after pooh-poohing suggestion that a new Navy base should be built in Katherine, for the obvious reason that the rail network was almost non-existent and therefore victualling and armament supplies would need to be trucked at prohibitive costs, syaing that the whole idea was just a smoke screen put up by the Opposition as they had no concept of what was required. He went on to urge the Ministry of Defence to commission a new nuclear servicing facility on the more important South Island where there was good deep water access and security would not be a significant problem, furthermore it would bring a much needed boost to the local economy, plus the added benefit of readily available supplies of fresh fruit that could be canned locally for the submarine crews to take on their six months deployments, thus reducing their susceptability to flatulence, which can be somewhat of a problem in a submarine after several weeks submerged. He hastened to add that this did not pose a significant health threat to the crews, but it did "tend to separate the men from the boys!". Vice Admiral Chugwin, after pooh-poohing suggestion that a new Navy base should be built in Katherine, for the obvious reason that the rail network was almost non-existent and therefore victualling and armament supplies would need to be trucked at prohibitive costs, syaing that the whole idea was just a smoke screen put up by the Opposition as they had no concept of what was required. He went on to urge the Ministry of Defence to commission a new nuclear servicing facility on the more important South Island where there was good deep water access and security would not be a significant problem, furthermore it would bring a much needed boost to the local economy, plus the added benefit of readily available supplies of fresh fruit that could be canned locally for the submarine crews to take on their six months deployments, thus reducing their susceptability to flatulence, which can be somewhat of a problem in a submarine after several weeks submerged. He hastened to add

that this did not pose a significant health threat to the crews, but it did "tend to separate the men from the boys!". It is understood that the submarine pens, or NSWSF - Nuclear Submarine Warfare Servicing Facility as it is known in defence circles, took five years to construct using local and North Island constructors, all controlled through a call centre near New Delhi. It is sited around the point from KingStone looking across to Cluny Island and is clearly visible. However, construction has been cleverly contrived to appear as a Baramundi hatchery, which is the reason it has remained unknown for the last year. The submarines arrive and depart whilst submerged, docking onto a specially constructed Sub Truck some 52.5 kilometres to the south, which is then self propelled along a unique 16 metre guage railway line right into the NSWSF. During initial trials the Sub Truck became fouled in one area by an overgrowth of king kelp. This was dealt with by the Navy's sealion being re-trained to gnaw off the kelp at its base so that the fronds get washed away with the current. The sealions patrol the whole length of the railway once a month, and daily when a submarine is due to arrive or depart. When the sealions are not carrying out these patrols or undergoing training, they perform with seals and penguins for the children at the local aquarium.

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